pointless
its pointless for me to be here today, i should’ve called in sick and stayed home… it will probably be my last non-busy day for another two or three weeks since my next project will be making a website to match the publication i just finished… shouldn’t be too hard but it will be tedious and tiring and boring - such is life, right?
i didn’t go to the gym either but opted for a walk to a park in front of the white house where i sat in the sun and read… its a beautiful day so it was nice being outside - i just didn’t have the energy to lift weights today… i am emotionally drained from this weekend, not sure why since nothing bad happened but i got some news that one of my friends is expecting her third baby in november… hearing that i suddenly felt incredibly lost, out of place and drifting nowhere, like i would never be where my friends are - married and raising a family… not being able to have something that i’ve wanted since i can remember, is incredibly difficult and sometimes it just makes me very sad… today is one of those days unfortunately and i’ve been crying since i got here this morning…
i love eric more than anything and he knows this… we have discussed marriage and children from very early on in our relationship and i guess after our 1-year anniversary and turning 35 in march - i have become more impatient… in all honesty, i have been ready since our trip to mexico in october and possibly sooner - once i said “i love you,” i knew i wanted to be w/him forever… i know he loves me and i feel like such a goofball when i’m crying and telling him i hate going home because i’m lonely… its so hard to express the feeling of being a part of something that is good and healthy - unlike my parent’s marriage that ended in divorce… i just want a happy life and i see that with him and i feel that when i’m there… and every time i have to leave, i feel like my heart is breaking in tiny little pieces and i just want to crawl under a rock and die… being a wife and a mother is all i’ve ever wanted and its the only thing that i’ve ever felt deep down in my soul… call me crazy…
sorry for the non-weightloss rant, i’m only human…
happy monday…